“Silence does not mean yes. No can be thought and felt but never said. It can be screamed silently on the inside. It can be in the wordless stone of a clenched fist, fingernails digging into palm. Her lips sealed. Her eyes closed. His body just taking, never asking, never taught to question silence”
― Amy Reed.
It is 2020 guys!!!!
It is 20 F**king 20!!! ( Pardon my french)
This week has been Awful – From #justiceforuwa – a Uniben student who was raped and murdered in cold blood to the lady who was being molested from Abuja to Akure by an older man. This afternoon – There was a thread on a Father who was molesting his 7 year old daughter till she turned 14!!! – While we await the relevant authorities to do the needful in all this cases, what can you and I do?
The One thing you should not do as a guy when the issue of rape comes up like this is to RATIONALISE. How can you see something as gruesome as what we have seen this week and the best thing that comes to mind is – What was she wearing? – She was asking for it. Why is she walking at night? – really?
Some comments and opinions on social media most especially from guys ( I am a guy so yes – I’m Bashing all of us ). Has been embarrassing to say the least.
How do you feel seeing a lady struggle? – Sexual intercourse ( or love making for you prudes) is supposed to be enjoyed by both parties.
Are we going to talk about the “twitter Couple”? – Should we? – STOP FUCKING MEANS STOP!
Some “animals in human form” are so brazen to think – She doesn’t really mean to stop, She’s my Girlfriend or My wife so I “own” her. – really bro?. Don’t let this get you in trouble – if she says stop – f*cking stop!
This whole issue has brought about “Consent”. It seems most of us have forgotten what consent really is so lets shed some light on the topic.
What Is Consent.
According to Mariam Webster – Consent means to give approval. Another definition goes like this. Consent is compliance in or approval of what is done or proposed by another.
Easy to understand right?
If you want something from someone – you’d ask and it is left to the person to give you “Consent”.
E.g Please Can I use your car ? – Yes – Consent!
Now let’s go one step down the rabbit hole.
What Is Sexual Consent?
According to Planned Parenthood.org “Sexual consent is an agreement to participate in a sexual activity. Before being sexual with someone, you need to know if they want to be sexual with you too. It’s also important to be honest with your partner about what you want and don’t want.”
They go further in their definition that “Both people must agree to sex — every single time — for it to be consensual.”
Consent must be given EMPHATICALLY and ENTHUSIASTICALLY. it should be “YES” – not “Maybe”
WHAT CONSENT IS & WHAT CONSENT IS NOT
TO summarise this for you – Consent is
Think of consent like lending your best car to a friend for one owambe. Does that mean he has the right to come to your place and take it to every owambe even when you don’t want to?
Exactly! – You’d be pissed!
On the Flip SIde
It is not Consent if
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YOUTUBE EMBED VIDEO ON CONSENT
WHY IS CONSENT IMPORTANT?
What separates sex, or a gesture of affection, from sexual assault? It’s a matter of consent.
Rape is a crime punishable by a minimum of 12 years in prison. ( Think on this before you “Assume” consent).
It is true that the laws on rape still has a long way to go in Nigeria, e.g
There is a lot wrong with our laws on Rape in NIgeria and hopefully this current outcry would call for a review.
Okay, Now that you know what Consent is and Isn’t and the time you will spend behind bars if you Sexually assault someone here are some ways to ask for “Consent”
HOW TO PROPERLY ASK FOR CONSENT.
To ask for consent from your partner is not rocket science and should not be awkward. It simply means you respect your partner and their boundaries.
Consent means everyone is clear about their wants and needs. And that partner’s respect each other’s limits.
Research has shown that Partners who are open about WHAT THEY WANT or DO NOT when it comes to sexual intercourse can make you and your partner more turned-on.
So how DO you Ask for Consent? Here are a few examples
If your partner says “YES” then you have consent.
If your partner says “NO,” “Is silent”, or says “ YES but seems unsure or uncomfortable” , then you DON’T have consent.
You should also pay attention to your partners “tone” and “body language”.
Still Unsure about their stance? Try asking
“ Are you sure you want us to do this?”
“ Should I keep going?”
Guys i know it seems like taking all the fun out but if you truly care about someone especially one you are in a sexual relationship with – This is not that big a deal. ASK for consent.
WHAT TO DO IF YOU OR SOMEONE YOU KNOW HAS BEEN SEXAULLY ASSAULTED
In the unfortunate case that you or someone you know has been sexually assaulted, you should know that “YOU ARE NOT ALONE”
IF YOU have been raped, You do not have to go through that unfortunate experience alone.
HOW TO SUPPORT SOMEONE WHO HAS BEEN SEXAULLY ASSAULTED.
Sexual assault can be very traumatic and sadly, You or someone close to you might have been a victim.
When this comes to light either when someone confides in you – these are things you can do to HELP.
HOW CAN YOU AS A GUY HELP?
You can help by not being a rape apologist. Talk to your Male friends – The “Bro Code” has a new entry – “ WE ARE ALLOWED TO SNITCH ON RAPISTS” – it’s the new rule now!.
Lend your voice – when you hear “ your guys “ saying things or having opinions on this topic that are wrong – SPEAK UP!
It would take all of us to make this happen.